


tight

by tusktooth



Category: Unwind Dystology - Neal Shusterman
Genre: Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Connor Lassiter, Trans Male Character, binders, conrisa is mentioned but it's in unwholly after she's gone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 10:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21242600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tusktooth/pseuds/tusktooth
Summary: Ever since Risa disappeared, Connor has had trouble taking off his binder.





	tight

**Author's Note:**

> i dont wear a binder myself but i did some research for this and combined it with experiences that trans friends have shared with me  
[my inbox is always open!!!](http://freehayden.tumblr.com/)

Connor had been sitting in his room and looking at the mirror with his shirt off for about fifteen minutes. He was supposed to be getting ready for bed, but he couldn’t bring himself to take off his binder. He had been wearing it for far too long to he healthy and his chest felt simultaneously too tight and not tight enough. There was a redness peaking through from the edges where it had rubbed at his skin for too long. It had to come off for bed, but the thought of taking it off, even for a few hours while alone, was absolutely suffocating.

He had worn it for longer than this in the past. When he first went AWOL he sparsely took it off except when completely alone to the extent where it was a miracle, despite the fact that his chest was already on the smaller size as it was. He hadn’t wanted Roland to know. He wasn’t sure he’d be safe if he found out, so all that time in Sonia’s basement had been quite difficult.

But this time, he had the option to safely take it off. Nobody was around an, if someone was, most people around here respected him and probably wouldn’t care. It was just that his dysphoria had been bad, terrible actually, since Risa left.

She was the only one who really knew. Well, the Admiral had too, but that was more so that Connor could ensure that he could get access to T in the Graveyard. Turns out, there were a few other kids who needed hormones there, but it was a fairly anonymous process to get them.

Risa knew because Connor wanted her too. Because he cared about her more than anyone else in the world right now and he felt he could be open about himself with her. She hadn’t cared, thankfully enough. He was a man no matter what he looked like underneath his clothes and, while he’d known that for a while, it was refreshing to have someone else who believed that too.

And, now that she was gone, he was alone again. Her support had meant the world to him and the hole in his heart upon her going encouraged the feelings of disgust that he often had with his own body, particularly his chest.

So, yeah, the thought of taking it off made him want to throw up, even if he was alone.

There was a knock at his door.

“Just a sec-” he yelled, scrambling to find his shirt, but whoever was outside obviously wasn’t keen on waiting and the door opened anyway.

“Hey, I was wondering how you were…” Hayden started, tapering off when he saw Connor, half undressed and wise-eyed. “Oh, were you changing?”  
“Yeah! Just because you knocked doesn’t mean the person inside is instantly ready for you to come in.”

He shrugged. “I mean, originally I wasn’t going to knock at all, so I think that’s still an improvement.”

“Ok,” he said with a sigh, reaching up to point toward the door of the jet. “Now get out.”

“Wait!” he protested. “I came here for a reason and it was to check on you, and obviously I was right to do so seeing as you’re obviously not okay.”

Connor crossed his arms over his chest. “Why? Because I’m trans? Newsflash, Hayden, I was this way the whole time.”

“Because you’re  _ pissy _ ,” he corrected. “I wanted to check on you because your emotional state seems off. Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think it has to do with you being trans so much as Risa being elsewhere.”

“Surprisingly perceptive of you. Now leave and forget you ever saw this.”

Hayden frowned. “You don’t seriously think I give a shit about any of this, do you? Dude, I still think you’re an asshole, no matter the parts. I mean, the most offensive part of your body is clearly your Roland arm.”

“I hate you,” he lied, smiling a bit. It was good to know that there was someone here now that knew and didn’t care.

“I knew I could get a smile out of you,” he said, half-distracted, as he stepped toward Connor and reach toward his chest.

“What are you doing?” he asked, slapping his hands away.

He pointed to the binder. “Your skin is all red. How long have you been wearing this?”

“I don’t know,” he lied, not meeting his friend’s eyes.

“Bro, I’m not an expert on this by any means but aren’t you supposed to take it off when you’re alone, like to sleep and stuff.”

“That’s what I was trying to do before you  _ intruded _ ,” he snapped.

Hayden spun around. “Okay, take it off and put on a shirt.”

“I absolutely will not do that with you standing there. Get out.”

“Except I actually don’t think you’ll take it off if I do leave so this is the only way I can guarantee that you’re not slowly deforming your ribcage.”

Connor looked from Hayden’s back to the t-shirt that was sitting on the floor in front of him. It was loose enough. He probably wouldn’t be able to tell. Besides, he had a feeling that Hayden wasn’t going to leave him alone until his binder was sitting on his dresser and he could finally take full breaths again.

“If I could unwind just one part of myself, I’d get rid of these. There has to be people that would want them. Girls that are like me but the opposite, obviously,” he muttered as he pulled off the binder and pulled the t-shirt over his head.

It was a relief, in more ways than one. He hadn’t realized how much he had been sweltering in the Arizona heat until the sweaty binder was off his chest. And being able to breathe with less restriction was nice.

“You can turn around now,” he said finally, crossing his arms back over his chest so Hayden definitely couldn’t see anything.

“Have you ever considered getting everything fixed so you could look like most guys do, you know, underneath?” Hayden asked. “I knew a girl in high school, a rich one, that got everything switched.”

“I dreamed about it a few times when I was younger,” he admitted. “But now it’s out of the question. Not only because I risk my own safety, but because nobody should have to get unwound just so I feel better about my body, just like why you wear braces or why Risa was fine with being in her wheelchair. One day, hopefully, I can get top surgery, obviously after I’m beyond unwinding age. I’m not all that interested in changing the bottom anyway. Sounds painful and nobody except the people I most trust are going to see it anyway.”

“You know, Hayden said after a moment. “If she doesn’t come back, there are other people here who don’t care about whether you’re trans or not. People that like you.”

“I know,” he said with a sigh. “But none of them are her.”

He nodded. “I understand. I’ll get out of your hair so you can go to bed. But you can talk to me, alright Connor?”

“Alright.”

As Hayden left, Connor smiled. Risa was gone, but he had built a family here beyond just her. He wasn’t alone after all.


End file.
